Priorities

Today, after I finished playing Dance Central with Mitch and Casey, it struck me that I am not anyone's priority (dating-wise). And that makes me sad.
But I really can't complain. After all, I haven't made anyone a priority. I've kept my options open and super casual. As such, people move on, and lose interest. It's a two way street.
I'm afraid of putting all of my eggs in one basket, and of being decisive and of making a move.
But perhaps that is just what I should do.
Make a decision.
Be bold. Go for it,
No risk, no reward.

It's all in your head, anyways.

So on Monday, for the first time in my life, I met with a counselor.
For the first time in my life I am dealing with my problems instead of trying to ignore/avoid the ones I can't do anything about on my own.


Today I met with a psychiatrist.
And he gave me a word.
And part of me wants to be afraid of that word, but having a word doesn't change the issue. It just let's you know how to approach it.

I feel validated and hopeful.

Secrets! Well, Not Really....

So I went through my blog and hid a bunch of old posts. Why, you ask? Because they were stupid.

At times, I have a tendency to focus on things that are trivial. They seem like a big deal at the time, but they're not. At all.

And reading that stuff is awful. So I got rid of it.

In doing so, not only do I hope to make my blog more readable, I hope to change my perspective. I don't want to focus on silly trivial matters that would possibly be embarrassing to recap 6 months later.

Such as boy drama.

And too many details.

Life is more about the generals than perhaps we give credit for.

I have a new blog that I am a part of with Benjamin Eddy and Kyle Conley. It's called Our Quote Quilt and it can be found here.

p.s.--It's a blog that might not be funny at all to anyone but us. So please, don't have any sort of expectations.

I decided that the name for my blog (finding bliss and becoming my best self) is super appropriate and fitting. Like for realsies.

happiness

So that boy was acting...off, and I was all bummed about it and I realized....

What the heck! What a waste of time!

Seriously. (not that I even know what's going on between us, but why waste time about something that isn't even a real thing)

So, I decided, that I'm great.

And that I don't need to worry about him if he doesn't see that. (maybe he does, right now, it doesn't matter)

I don't need fulfillment through a man, I can find fulfillment through my amazing friends, education, and future career.

I like to exercise and play the ukulele and a hundred other things and I shouldn't let some silly sadness get in the way.

So.

Elle:1 Sadness:0

winning!

Coolness

So that boy I mentioned in an earlier post, (entitled "my so great life" linked here) long story short...we went to devo every week and studied sometimes and had dinner and hung out a little too....Well on thursday i plucked up the courage and had this conversation with him. (not verbatim)

Me: So I've been wanting to talk to you about this. I like you. But you're really hard to read, so I'm not sure where you are on all this. But regardless of anything else, I want to be your friend.

A: I've been told that I'm hard to read before. I like you too. I think you're really cool.

And then we talked about how it's the end of the semester and we don't want to get too close to anyone. But I feel like our defenses are down, and I'm maybe getting closer than I mean to.

On Friday, I held his hand. (he held mine back)

On Saturday, he put his arm around me.

and on Sunday (today) I kissed him on the cheek.

What do you do when there is no time to move forward and no desire to move backwards?

Introspection

So I have been thinking today.

And I think that I need to stop looking for this life that I don't have and just work for the one that I do have.

So yeah, it might be nice to get married, but I don't really want to worry about that. Like at all.

I'm just going to run my life.

I'm going to stop living for anyone else.

I'm fairly independent to begin with, and I think that, for better or for worse, that this change in focus may make me even more self-assured and independent.

Yesterday I was told, in essence, that my self-assured independence my in fact turn guys off of me. But I don't really care.

So. In living my own life, what do I want to do?

Major in Mechanical Engineering. Emphasis in Biomedical.

Do my best.

Hike. Make Thai food. Try being vegetarian again. Read good books. Grow a garden. Swim.

Go to India. And France. And Ireland. And everywhere else.

Go to the temple every week.

Read my scriptures every day.

Keep my body in a way that increases my options. A healthy body can go and do whatever it wants.

Participate in a Tough Mudder, or something similar, ideally with a team.

Move to Portland, or Seattle. or Crescent City.

Find service to give every day.

Run.

Have a dog.

Go by Eleanor.

Ride my bike more places than I drive my car.

Keep my hair how I want. Not how other people want.

Investigate Buddhism, and Hinduism

Do yoga.

Eat only delicious food. But not to the point of excess.

Give of myself.

Decide what I want. And make that happen.

Love others without hesitation or judgement.

Plan for myself--Live for everyone else.