Priorities

Today, after I finished playing Dance Central with Mitch and Casey, it struck me that I am not anyone's priority (dating-wise). And that makes me sad.
But I really can't complain. After all, I haven't made anyone a priority. I've kept my options open and super casual. As such, people move on, and lose interest. It's a two way street.
I'm afraid of putting all of my eggs in one basket, and of being decisive and of making a move.
But perhaps that is just what I should do.
Make a decision.
Be bold. Go for it,
No risk, no reward.

It's all in your head, anyways.

So on Monday, for the first time in my life, I met with a counselor.
For the first time in my life I am dealing with my problems instead of trying to ignore/avoid the ones I can't do anything about on my own.


Today I met with a psychiatrist.
And he gave me a word.
And part of me wants to be afraid of that word, but having a word doesn't change the issue. It just let's you know how to approach it.

I feel validated and hopeful.

Secrets! Well, Not Really....

So I went through my blog and hid a bunch of old posts. Why, you ask? Because they were stupid.

At times, I have a tendency to focus on things that are trivial. They seem like a big deal at the time, but they're not. At all.

And reading that stuff is awful. So I got rid of it.

In doing so, not only do I hope to make my blog more readable, I hope to change my perspective. I don't want to focus on silly trivial matters that would possibly be embarrassing to recap 6 months later.

Such as boy drama.

And too many details.

Life is more about the generals than perhaps we give credit for.

I have a new blog that I am a part of with Benjamin Eddy and Kyle Conley. It's called Our Quote Quilt and it can be found here.

p.s.--It's a blog that might not be funny at all to anyone but us. So please, don't have any sort of expectations.

I decided that the name for my blog (finding bliss and becoming my best self) is super appropriate and fitting. Like for realsies.

happiness

So that boy was acting...off, and I was all bummed about it and I realized....

What the heck! What a waste of time!

Seriously. (not that I even know what's going on between us, but why waste time about something that isn't even a real thing)

So, I decided, that I'm great.

And that I don't need to worry about him if he doesn't see that. (maybe he does, right now, it doesn't matter)

I don't need fulfillment through a man, I can find fulfillment through my amazing friends, education, and future career.

I like to exercise and play the ukulele and a hundred other things and I shouldn't let some silly sadness get in the way.

So.

Elle:1 Sadness:0

winning!

Coolness

So that boy I mentioned in an earlier post, (entitled "my so great life" linked here) long story short...we went to devo every week and studied sometimes and had dinner and hung out a little too....Well on thursday i plucked up the courage and had this conversation with him. (not verbatim)

Me: So I've been wanting to talk to you about this. I like you. But you're really hard to read, so I'm not sure where you are on all this. But regardless of anything else, I want to be your friend.

A: I've been told that I'm hard to read before. I like you too. I think you're really cool.

And then we talked about how it's the end of the semester and we don't want to get too close to anyone. But I feel like our defenses are down, and I'm maybe getting closer than I mean to.

On Friday, I held his hand. (he held mine back)

On Saturday, he put his arm around me.

and on Sunday (today) I kissed him on the cheek.

What do you do when there is no time to move forward and no desire to move backwards?

Introspection

So I have been thinking today.

And I think that I need to stop looking for this life that I don't have and just work for the one that I do have.

So yeah, it might be nice to get married, but I don't really want to worry about that. Like at all.

I'm just going to run my life.

I'm going to stop living for anyone else.

I'm fairly independent to begin with, and I think that, for better or for worse, that this change in focus may make me even more self-assured and independent.

Yesterday I was told, in essence, that my self-assured independence my in fact turn guys off of me. But I don't really care.

So. In living my own life, what do I want to do?

Major in Mechanical Engineering. Emphasis in Biomedical.

Do my best.

Hike. Make Thai food. Try being vegetarian again. Read good books. Grow a garden. Swim.

Go to India. And France. And Ireland. And everywhere else.

Go to the temple every week.

Read my scriptures every day.

Keep my body in a way that increases my options. A healthy body can go and do whatever it wants.

Participate in a Tough Mudder, or something similar, ideally with a team.

Move to Portland, or Seattle. or Crescent City.

Find service to give every day.

Run.

Have a dog.

Go by Eleanor.

Ride my bike more places than I drive my car.

Keep my hair how I want. Not how other people want.

Investigate Buddhism, and Hinduism

Do yoga.

Eat only delicious food. But not to the point of excess.

Give of myself.

Decide what I want. And make that happen.

Love others without hesitation or judgement.

Plan for myself--Live for everyone else.

Staying on the right path

So today I was fasting for direction in my life--direction concerning my personal life as well as direction concerning my academic career.

I also got a blessing.

You know what I came up with?

I don't need to worry about it right now. Any of it. All I need to worry about is my spiritual well-being. And maybe I'll have to worry about everything else later, or maybe it'll all fall into place. Regardless. I am going to do my best to be less concerned with either of those two things, and instead see if I can focus on just becoming my own personal best.

So some concerns I was having earlier today....

I was thinking about how I want to change my degree over to M.E. ....and honestly, the fact that mechanical engineers make good money straight out of college makes me nervous.

Mainly nervous that someday I will be extremely prideful.

Prideful because of my education or income. Too prideful to care for my own children. (heaven forbid. the thought makes my blood run cold)

I'm worried that if I continue in this path, I will be worse off for it.

Here's the thing. I like nice things. I like to be able to work hard and get what I want.

I never ever want to be the kind of person who is more interested in her money and career than her God.

So if I do continue on in this, I need to be extremely careful that no matter how busy I may be with school or work or both, that I am always putting the Lord first, and serving my fellow man.

I need to use my resources as the Lord would have me. If I find myself making a good amount of money, I need to use it for the Lord's work. Humanitarian Aid, missionary work. Christmas for those who can't afford it.

If I ever find myself successful, I never want to use that to hold myself above anyone. I want to use it to be a tool in God's hand, to be able to serve and love my fellow man.

Side note:-- Today, my friend's boy (not technically boyfriend) expressed that there is no way that I won't get married and said that I was sexy. It came up conversationally and he was not hitting on me. But it was kind of a surprising thing. But it made me feel a little more confident in my body.

Indexing

So lately I've been indexing a little.

Indexing: Where you look at things like birth certificates etc, and transcribe the information onto your computer, and eventually to an internet database, so it can be used and accessed electronically, especially for the purpose of family history.

Interestingly, indexing has made me care a lot more about racial differences, inequality, and rights.

It kills me to index a draft card that the corner, where it normally says to tear off if the applicant is "negro", has been removed. I just feel like...well first of all, they were/are people, not just names on a list...thinking about the racial discrimination really makes me sad. And wish for and hope for better things in the present and future.

righteous desires

I want to get married. Not that I am in any rush, but I would like to get married and I would be completely cool with that happening at any point in the near future. Whenever this comes up, I feel the need to minimize or demean this by saying it's dumb or stupid or sad.
What's really sad is that we feel the need to hide our most honest, righteous desires. It is a righteous desire to want an eternal companion. It's okay to want that. In fact, it's a good thing. And yet we feel the need to demean them, to make them more socially acceptable. This is not okay. Let's stop.
And instead, let us embrace our righteous desires and feel no shame in them.

fun fact:

I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.
And I think I am being completely serious, and non-hyperbolic.
O_o
What the what.
I need to focus on...other things. School. Friends. Anything else ever.
Because here is the rule: I want this so bad, there is no way it is going to happen.

my so great life.

Dear friends. My blogs are the dumbest. fact.

So. To be less dumb. I'll write shorter.

In the past few weeks, I have a new friend and he just possibly may be the COOLEST person I know. Seriously.

I've been studying with this boy as of late.

And we went to a fireside and devo.

And today we did homework and then hung out forever.

He played his synth and his vocoder and some other things that I don't have words for.

I ended up cooking dinner at his house. (he played guitar while I cooked--he did the dishes) I smelled all of his colognes (he has like more than 10) and he got out the martinelli's, citing a special occasion.

We went to the movies with his friends, and he got my ticket.

He walked me home even though it's freezing and the walk is like 20 minutes.

And when he went to go home, I hugged him a little bit longer than I normally would.

He is the coolest.