Introspection

So I have been thinking today.

And I think that I need to stop looking for this life that I don't have and just work for the one that I do have.

So yeah, it might be nice to get married, but I don't really want to worry about that. Like at all.

I'm just going to run my life.

I'm going to stop living for anyone else.

I'm fairly independent to begin with, and I think that, for better or for worse, that this change in focus may make me even more self-assured and independent.

Yesterday I was told, in essence, that my self-assured independence my in fact turn guys off of me. But I don't really care.

So. In living my own life, what do I want to do?

Major in Mechanical Engineering. Emphasis in Biomedical.

Do my best.

Hike. Make Thai food. Try being vegetarian again. Read good books. Grow a garden. Swim.

Go to India. And France. And Ireland. And everywhere else.

Go to the temple every week.

Read my scriptures every day.

Keep my body in a way that increases my options. A healthy body can go and do whatever it wants.

Participate in a Tough Mudder, or something similar, ideally with a team.

Move to Portland, or Seattle. or Crescent City.

Find service to give every day.

Run.

Have a dog.

Go by Eleanor.

Ride my bike more places than I drive my car.

Keep my hair how I want. Not how other people want.

Investigate Buddhism, and Hinduism

Do yoga.

Eat only delicious food. But not to the point of excess.

Give of myself.

Decide what I want. And make that happen.

Love others without hesitation or judgement.

Plan for myself--Live for everyone else.

Staying on the right path

So today I was fasting for direction in my life--direction concerning my personal life as well as direction concerning my academic career.

I also got a blessing.

You know what I came up with?

I don't need to worry about it right now. Any of it. All I need to worry about is my spiritual well-being. And maybe I'll have to worry about everything else later, or maybe it'll all fall into place. Regardless. I am going to do my best to be less concerned with either of those two things, and instead see if I can focus on just becoming my own personal best.

So some concerns I was having earlier today....

I was thinking about how I want to change my degree over to M.E. ....and honestly, the fact that mechanical engineers make good money straight out of college makes me nervous.

Mainly nervous that someday I will be extremely prideful.

Prideful because of my education or income. Too prideful to care for my own children. (heaven forbid. the thought makes my blood run cold)

I'm worried that if I continue in this path, I will be worse off for it.

Here's the thing. I like nice things. I like to be able to work hard and get what I want.

I never ever want to be the kind of person who is more interested in her money and career than her God.

So if I do continue on in this, I need to be extremely careful that no matter how busy I may be with school or work or both, that I am always putting the Lord first, and serving my fellow man.

I need to use my resources as the Lord would have me. If I find myself making a good amount of money, I need to use it for the Lord's work. Humanitarian Aid, missionary work. Christmas for those who can't afford it.

If I ever find myself successful, I never want to use that to hold myself above anyone. I want to use it to be a tool in God's hand, to be able to serve and love my fellow man.

Side note:-- Today, my friend's boy (not technically boyfriend) expressed that there is no way that I won't get married and said that I was sexy. It came up conversationally and he was not hitting on me. But it was kind of a surprising thing. But it made me feel a little more confident in my body.

Indexing

So lately I've been indexing a little.

Indexing: Where you look at things like birth certificates etc, and transcribe the information onto your computer, and eventually to an internet database, so it can be used and accessed electronically, especially for the purpose of family history.

Interestingly, indexing has made me care a lot more about racial differences, inequality, and rights.

It kills me to index a draft card that the corner, where it normally says to tear off if the applicant is "negro", has been removed. I just feel like...well first of all, they were/are people, not just names on a list...thinking about the racial discrimination really makes me sad. And wish for and hope for better things in the present and future.

righteous desires

I want to get married. Not that I am in any rush, but I would like to get married and I would be completely cool with that happening at any point in the near future. Whenever this comes up, I feel the need to minimize or demean this by saying it's dumb or stupid or sad.
What's really sad is that we feel the need to hide our most honest, righteous desires. It is a righteous desire to want an eternal companion. It's okay to want that. In fact, it's a good thing. And yet we feel the need to demean them, to make them more socially acceptable. This is not okay. Let's stop.
And instead, let us embrace our righteous desires and feel no shame in them.

fun fact:

I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.
And I think I am being completely serious, and non-hyperbolic.
O_o
What the what.
I need to focus on...other things. School. Friends. Anything else ever.
Because here is the rule: I want this so bad, there is no way it is going to happen.

my so great life.

Dear friends. My blogs are the dumbest. fact.

So. To be less dumb. I'll write shorter.

In the past few weeks, I have a new friend and he just possibly may be the COOLEST person I know. Seriously.

I've been studying with this boy as of late.

And we went to a fireside and devo.

And today we did homework and then hung out forever.

He played his synth and his vocoder and some other things that I don't have words for.

I ended up cooking dinner at his house. (he played guitar while I cooked--he did the dishes) I smelled all of his colognes (he has like more than 10) and he got out the martinelli's, citing a special occasion.

We went to the movies with his friends, and he got my ticket.

He walked me home even though it's freezing and the walk is like 20 minutes.

And when he went to go home, I hugged him a little bit longer than I normally would.

He is the coolest.